


Naz

by Ariejul



Series: Alone in the Fallout [25]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Deacon POV, Death, F/M, Friendship/Love, Pain, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 15:09:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11946855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ariejul/pseuds/Ariejul
Summary: Naz: the pride and the assurance that arises from knowing that you are loved no matter what you do.Deacon tells Charmer about his past.Deacon PoV





	Naz

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys.
> 
> This idea hit me the other day, and I decided to finish it up today. I generally don't do a lot of dialogue that can be heard in-game, but I felt this particular conversation is a very important one. 
> 
> I have changed up the dialogue a little, but I am fond of the in-game phrasing, so there is some stuff here you've heard before.
> 
> Hope you enjoy. 
> 
> Comments/kudos are welcome and appreciated!

Deacon wanders back into the firelight of their camp late one evening on the outskirts of Finch Farm, depositing the small bundle of firewood beside the blaze. Twilight is beginning to descend, and he can barely make out Charmer’s features behind his dark lenses. Earlier in the day, they’d helped out Abraham by clearing out Saugus Ironworks and chased his son, Jake, back home.

Deacon still recalls the look of bittersweet glee on her face when she reunited the family with their son. He silently hopes for the same outcome in her future. She deserves it more than anyone.

Pulling his shades from his face, he clears his throat roughly. “Hey, I… uh… I got something important to say.”

Charmer glances up from across the firelight, brows lifting high when she realizes his sunglasses are gone. Dusting off her hands, she stands and walks over to him. “I’m listening.”

Swallowing in hopes of wetting his parched throat, Deacon shoves his shades back on, unable to look at her without them. “I… appreciate you putting up with my bullshit. It’s… been a long time since I had, well, a friend.” He looks away from her, can’t stand holding her gaze. “I’m a liar. Everyone knows it; I make no secret of it. The truth is…” He clenches his eyes closed, the words stoppered in his throat.

Her hand curls around his bicep, squeezing gently in hopes of comfort. Her eyes are worried, bright, _burning_ when he dares to glance at her. Deacon suddenly can’t remember what color Barbara’s eyes were, but he’s pretty sure they were devastatingly close to Charmer’s green. “Hey, deep breath, okay? Take as long as you need.”

Because Charmer always understands, her kindness depthless, and it’s the only reason he dares to mention this part of his past. “Truth is… I was scum. A very… violent bigot.”

She jerks at that, expression flickering in a way he can’t quite read in the darkness. Her touch disappears immediately, and that’s really all he needs to know her disgust. “You were?”

Deacon nods, feeling the curl of hatred deep in his gut. Hatred for the man he was and how that bigotry destroyed everything. “Yeah, when I was young… hell of a long time ago, I ran with a gang back in University Point. We called ourselves the UP Deathclaws. We got our kicks taunting anyone we thought was a synth. Property damage, beat downs, you name it. We just kept egging each other on. Inevitably, it ended in a lynching.” He exhales shakily, trying to keep that memory from surfacing and mostly failing. His hands are trembling, so he stuffs them into the pockets of his jeans. “The Claws’s leader was convinced we’d finally killed a synth, but looking back… I’m not so sure.”

“You… _killed_ someone?” The pain in her voice is a palpable thing, like a pulse point beating between them, and suddenly he knows. Knows without doubt she’ll never accept this part of him, this horror he’s never spoken aloud. But he can’t stop now.

God, he’s going to miss her.

He nods, the horror of it flashing again behind the lids of his eyes. The struggles, the screaming, the gurgling. The eerie silence after. Deacon doesn’t even remember the man’s name. Never cared enough to find out. “It was… enough for me. Those… bulging eyes. I’ll never forget it. Those eyes haunt me.”

Charmer’s hand flies over her mouth, horror coloring her gaze. Tears well in her eyes for a man that’s been dead for decades, but Deacon isn’t surprised. She's always been too kind, too caring. It's part of what makes her special.

“I left after that. Couldn’t stomach the bullshit anymore, the hatred. Broke all contact with my ‘brothers.’ They beat the hell out of me for it, but I got out. Became a farmer, if you can believe that.” His heart thunders in the confines of his chest, a numbing ache worming its way through him. He looks down at the ground. “One day, I found someone, and she saw something in me I never knew was there. Barbara was…” He trails off because there’s no possible way he could ever put into words what Barbara was.

“She sounds special,” Charmer’s voice is soft, drifting in a way he’s rarely heard. He takes in her expression, a bittersweet thing that manages to cause his chest to twist tightly. “What was she like?”

“When I was with her, it felt like the world could crawl out of the hell it’d become, like we had a real chance,” he murmurs, gaze turning toward the stars beginning to peek out in the sky. He tries to forget that Charmer gives him that same sort of feeling. “She had this smile, like something from those old magazine covers. Her eyes…” Barbara had innocent doe-eyes just like her, but he can't say that. “We were trying for kids.” He trails off, drawn in by the memories of his dead wife and how he destroyed someone so beautiful.

“Is she… gone?” Charmer asks softly, gently, reaching to touch him before pulling back.

Deacon nods, cracking a smile. “Yeah. The Claws came knocking, and as it turns out, my Barbara was a synth. She didn’t know, and I sure as hell don’t know how the Claws found out. But there was blood. A lot of blood.”

“Oh,” she breathes, “Shit, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t… remember much after. I know I killed most of them, but it’s… well. Guess I made a big impression. The Railroad contacted me shortly after, figuring after what happened to my wife that I’d sympathize.” He huffs roughly, raw and aching. “I don’t even know why I lie anymore, but I _can’t_ tell the truth. Everyone in the Railroad belongs there, even that asshole Carrington, but I don’t. I’m everything wrong with this whole fucking Commonwealth. I don’t deserve you being okay with this. I’m not even _asking_ for it. I just… I thought you should know.”

She’s quiet, eyes downcast and hidden away. This is it. Charmer will never look at him with that smile of hers ever again. Never laugh at his jokes. She’ll be gone, and it’s everything he deserves. Someone like her is too good for the likes of him.

“The person you’re telling me about… I don’t know him,” she says. Hesitating, she takes a step toward him. She’s crying he realizes with a start, her eyes fever bright when she finally looks at him. “But I do know _you_ , and you aren’t that man anymore. I’m still on your side.”

Deacon flinches back at that, only the fact that his sunglasses are there hiding his wide, disbelieving eyes. Fuck, he doesn’t deserve a friend like her. “I’m not really the hugging type so good tal –”

The next thing he knows, her arms are around him, body pressed to his, breath puffing against the side of his neck. He tenses because touch is foreign to him, but her affection isn’t unwelcome. The feel of her is comforting, reminding him of times long past. “No matter what you tell me about your past or the horrible things you’ve done, you’re still my friend, Deacon. You always will be.”

A relieved grin pulls at his lips. “Just know, when shit goes down, I’m with you ‘til the end, my friend.” He wraps his arms around her tight, burying his face in the crook of her shoulder and just holds her. Charmer throws his world askew, and honestly, he doesn’t want it any other way.

When they finally part, Deacon feels lighter than he has in ages.


End file.
